_ JEM ALCAiN.
_ jemtot. jemmy. J. charmz.
_ Las Vegas, Nevada
_ Mojave High School
_ MiSSiNG marlon s. [aka im still not over you.]
get at me.
Feb 6, 2008
it's been 3-4 years since my last post . YEAH . just about four . but then we got back together during the summer of '04 . i still remember it like it was yesterday . but it wasn't yesterday .. oh how nice it'd be if it was .
i don't know why i'm still not over you . but i fucking hate the fact that i'm not . i think maybe it's cause i didn't get the proper closure . we broke up that second time around , over the phone , because of my stupidity .
we were both young . we were both , so immature , so selfish .
but , i was in love . it was a love so real that four years later , it's still fresh . it's still in me .
so my question is ..
how does one go about letting go of the past and the anger in their heart ??
it's funny 'cus i don't even have a valid reason as to why i haven't let go yet . i constantly have those stupid visions , of you , of us . i constantly have stupid dreams . although i want to forget , i can't . my heart won't let me . but why ??
everything happens for a reason . i strongly believe that . but what's the reason for the way i feel ??
only time will tell ..
Posted at 02:25 am by jemtot
Jun 28, 2004
i'm fuckin' yosi'd out. damn. that's what i get i guess. but here goes nothing..
_ boy, i fucking loved you. i loved you with my life. i loved you with anything & everything. but you gave that up. you left that. & now that you realize it, it's just too hard to take that back. i can't just come back & say, yeah, i loved you once, i can love you again. b'cus it's not like that. it won't be like that. i won't let it be like that. i loved you, i trusted you. i thought so much bullshit, but what did you do to it? you let it go. you fucking left me. you hurt me. i know you made a mistake. you threw away all the feelings i ever had for you. it's not my fault it's hard to trust & love you again. it's your lost. & now you see it. i'm glad you fucking see it. maybe now you'll realize everything else i ever held on to. i just can't have that again. i want to have it again, but i can't. it's too late. it really is too late. no matter how much i want it to be like it used to, it won't be. i hate you. for leaving me & for coming back. i hate you for all that you've done & for all that you will do. i hate you for fucking tearing me apart & expecting me to still let you into the heart that i closed the doors to. you can't come in. i won't let you come in. i hate you. i hate you b'cus you're coming back to me now. i hate you b'cus it's too late. i hate you. i hate you b'cus it hurt me then. i hate you b'cus it hurts me now. i hate you b'cus of what happened. i hate you b'cus of what is happening. i hate you. i hate you b'cus of how much i want it back. i hate you b'cus of how much i don't want it back. i hate you b'cus it was hard to get over you. i hate you b'cus i'm still not fully over you. i hate you b'cus i loved you. i hate you.. b'cus.. i love you.. like you said, it's called faith right? well let's just let faith do it's work. if we're meant to be, boy we'll be. but for now......
Posted at 05:03 am by jemtot
Mar 28, 2004
from offline messages.. to conversations..
on the 22nd of march
.. i heard from you..
you said.. "hi jem jem. hello you there. or your just mad at me now. or you dont even want to talk to me no more. fione be that way. hellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo you there. fione be that way. your just gonna ignore me like that now huh fioone."
it was 4 minutes in between all 8 of your messages. and with my luck, i wasn`t even at my computer. i was in the shower. i got back on after the shower, and saw it. three words to my mind. WHAT THE FUCK. the 23rd of march..
i replied.. telling you i`m not mad. & i hoped everything was good. and i asked you to keep in touch.. for old times sake.
the 24th of march.
my luck once again, i wasn`t at the computer. damnitttt. i learned from you, that you guys weren`t together anymore. you said you were doing great. and you said to call you some time.. nice.
the 25th of march..
call or not? holy fuck.
and finally.. the twenty sixth..
i was outside, yes yosi`ing again. and after i fucked up my brain, i got the courage, and i called you. i fucking called you. and we talked. i heard your voice again. and i didn`t know what to think. you caught me up with your love life. and come to find out, you found someone. that you said you would like for a lonnggg time, hopefully you said. you said you`re good. working on your car. and that, your car has too many memories. HAH shit, don`t i know that. i miss that car by the way. so anyway. you had to go. your girl was cool that we were on the phone i guess. then i let you go. shovel the snow. wowww. crasy ass shit. yosi`d one more. and i was in a daze. i fucking talked to you. i really fucking did. then later on that night, decided to check the computer to see who was online, just cause i had 2 minutes before we left. you were online. i talked to you. you wanted to see the kids on cam. but i had to go. you asked if i wanted to see you. but i had to go. i fucking had to go. i didnt want to. but i fucking had to go. luck, and i guess, time doesn`t want us to talk yet. you said i haven`t changed. you said i was still the same ol` jem. i wanted to ask if that was good or bad. but i left. told you to i.m. me on my phone. you did. we talked. for awhile. then, you got offline. whooooo. we talked. we really fucking talked.
and now it`s crazy. cause i want to tell you. and i dont know how. but i will. one day. you`ll find out. soon.
Posted at 12:48 am by jemtot
Mar 24, 2004
"OH THREE, TWO-FOUR, TWO-THOUSAND-THREE. 10 hours on the phone and still going. iono what to say. i`m happy as fuck."
yep. that`s exactly what i said a year from today. i talked to you for over 16 hours. and guess the fuck what??! i got bullshitted. this year, i miss you. but you don`t know. and i don`t blame you. mainly cause it`s my fault you don`t know..
i guess i`m stupid for thinking it could`ve gone far. i think i`m stupid for believing those last three words you said to me on the phone the night we broke up. but hey. maybe you did tell the truth. but, maybe you didn`t. i don`t know.
you probably think it`s stupidity. everyone else thinks it`s stupidity. they all think it`s bullshit. but they don`t know. no one knows. not even you know. it`s not what everyone else thinks. what is it? well.. it's called regret. but that`s enough.
but now things have somewhat turned around. and hopefully we`ll keep this up. you know, being friend`s and keeping in touch and all. even if it is just offline messages for now.. i`m glad we talk.
i wanna say thank you. for all the experiences. all the times. for my life. although it hurts. thanks.
Posted at 11:39 pm by jemtot
Feb 11, 2004
no one knows what i am doing
where you stood, yesterday.
my feet are taking you in, sucking you up
so that i can last
until i see you
i put this one in, because i know, when i get back in Anchorage, the first thing i`ll do is go to the point, and stand at "OUR spot" just to bring back memories, i'll do that.
i will always love
when you came,
to pick me up,
you leaned against the rail
your legs so long and lean
encased in white
i put this one in, because, when you picked me up to meet your parents, i was wearing white pants. lol. you came to pick me up at phil-best. and it just reminded me.
somehow that accident
smashed something inside,
i did not know
could be hurt.
you are distant,
you don`t phone,
my stiches are out
but i don`t see
how i can heal.
because, when it fucked up, you didnt call me.. and it hurt, and i dont know how i could get over it.. any of it.
you said things
bargained, sealed our future
with words ~empty and hollow
as an echoing drainpipe
my chest hurts,
as if you had slammed a fist into it.
because it hurts. everything you said, everything you did. everything. it killed me.
i am remembering the feel of you
the nub of your hands,
the way your smile crooked up
and how your legs streched the length of me
i have you by heart
and that is all i have.
the way your hands felt. it was different. and the way you smiled. and how tall you were from me. all i have is memories. thats all. just, memories.
it is sudden memories
i cannot stand
how the rain falling on a night street
how a crooked smile on someone else`s face
makes me cry.
it will take a long time
to dig you out of my heart.
cause all i've been doing is crying, cause i cant stand it, cause its been taking forever, and i want you out.
was it worth it?
so much joy between us
such words i have never knows,
sinking down into you
and coming up
someday i will know what we had.
when lines cease my face,
and children tug at my shirt,
i will know.
but that is a lifetime away.
Posted at 06:53 pm by jemtot
Jan 3, 2004
its been 3 months, 5 days, and 17 hourss..
Posted at 06:57 pm by jemtot
Dec 29, 2003
_all the girls of 51-50 thought you were fione.
_we'd always talk about you, your eyes.
_we'd always talk shit about your girlfriend.
_we'd refer to you as aleve.
_we'd call you heaven.
_we had heaven by nuflavor playing before we saw you.
_we had "twisted" on blast as we drove away.
_all your free time was spent talking to me.
_you waited for prongkloyn to call me so you can talk to me.
_we both hid our feelings in front of 51-50.
_they figuered out anyway.
_the way you looked at me.
_you always bugged me.
_i was so sprung over your looks.
_you let me skip once in a while.
_you always ask to look at my phone.
_you wouldnt talk to anyone else but me.
_you always wanted me to be the last person you talked to at night.
_you would pick me up during lunch.
_we would always drive around, anywhere.
_you picked me up before school.
_you picked me up after school.
_we used to say we went out to eat so we could spend more time together.
_we used to say you picked me up after school as an excuse when i skipped.
_you begged for my pajamas.
_you said you loved me even before we went out. *002027003*
_we'd tell each other shit whenever we were drunk.
_you'd bring me gatorade whenever i needed it.
_you took me to watch the sunrise.
_we went to all my favorite parks.
_we watched the sunset.
_the way you held me.
_the way you whispered to me.
_we spent spring break together.
_you drank with my kuya.
_you told my kuya about your feelings for me.
_you always said past is past.
_we laughed when we bet we cant say 143 while looking in each others eyes.
_ "shit babe"
_"okay okay okay babe i give up"
_"im so into you"
_you'd always hate yourself right after.
_the way you looked at me when the sun was in your eyes.
_you on your webcam.
_you'd buy a juice from phil-best just to see me.
_you wouldnt stop till i gave up.
_you wrote to me while i sat next to you.
_you texted "I love u beb" from across the room.
_your mom had her arm on me.
_i was so nervous around your family.
_you would always tell me to have faith.
_you'd always look so deep into my eyes.
_"amazed by you."
_you would mouth those three words.
_you'd yell "i love you" hella loud as your drove off.
_you made fun of my ass.
_you loved my ass.
_whenever we'd walk, your hand was on my ass.
_we spent so much time together.
_we spent so much time on the phone together.
_you went to the mall even though you HATED the mall.
_you slipped and called me baby even before our feelings were brought out.
_you thanked god for giving me to you.
_you thanked me for being in your life.
_you held me so tight.
_your basketball games.
_watching your every move.
_your hairs standing up.
_the way you touched my lips
_the way you touched my face.
_the way you moved my hair out of the way.
_you'd always find a strand of my hair someone on you.
_your hands felt different.
_seeing with you.
_being with you.
_even just hearing your voice.
_reading your words.
_the way my life was when we were together.
_the way i was when we were together.
Posted at 08:31 pm by jemtot
Dec 11, 2003
LYING TO MYSELF
I believed in you
Why’d you leave when you
Said you would never let me go
All I gave was love, wasn’t that enough
Tell me the truth I need to know
I can say to myself that I don’t need you beside me
That I’ve put it all behind me
But I’d only be lying to myself
And I‘d only be dreaming of what
I know would not come true
Coz no matter what I do to try
To think I’m doing well
Reality is that I’m still not over you
I know everyday
Trying to find my way
Drifting into the empty roads
Crying every night
These tears, so hard to fight
What do I do, I just don’t know
I can say to myself that I never needed you anyway
And after all I’ve nothing more to say
But I’d only be lying to myself
And I‘d only be dreaming of what
I know would not come true
Coz no matter what I try to do
To think I’m doing well
But reality is that I’m still not over you...
I thought that it was never ending
No, I thought that we were not pretending it was real
I know my heart will soon be mending
And after the rain the sun will soon reveal
Yet I, I have been lying to myself
And I, I have been dreaming of what
I thought would not come true
I know after all I’m going through
I will be doing well
And when the day comes
I know what I say is true
That reality is, I’m still not over you
Posted at 11:42 pm by jemtot
Dec 8, 2003
i swear i still see you in my eyes.
i looked in the mirror, and deeply in my eyes.
i saw you.
i saw the same eyes i was looking at from across the room..
i saw the same lips i kissed one last time before you left..
i saw the same guy.
i saw you.
then it gets blurred.
i then see a tear.
the same type of tear i shed the day you left.
the same type of tear i shed days on through then.
i saw fate.
i saw love.
i saw life.
i saw past, present and future.
i saw you.
i swear, i saw you in my eyes.
i closed my eyes, and when i re-opened them, i saw me.
the part that everyone else sees.
i looked in my eyes.
i saw you.
i see you.
and you'll never leave me.
Posted at 11:15 pm by jemtot
Nov 23, 2003
wow, havent hit this in the longest time. may nanliligaw sakin. and somehow, i just wanted to be reminded me of you, again. yeah, its fucked up, but i do. so i just wanted to drop a peice on how im doing. and im happy. yeah, im hella happy. but somehow, somewhere, in this rock hard heart of mine, deep down, that empty space is still here. the part of my heart that you took. and i'll never get it back. even though me and you were together when i was first here, he was the one there for me through it all. not you. i dont know. i can say though, honestly, yeah, im still missing you. and a part of myself still, has love for you. the same kind of love i gave to you in the beginning. except im happier now. i wouldnt mind seeing you though, just to talk, to bring up good times. i really do miss you. im scared to go home because of the places we've marked in alaska. but then again, i wanna bring up the good times. i miss you marlon. but im happy now, and i know you are too.
p.s. have the best of time with leila in p.i. yeah, thats what you wanted for us, and sorry i could never give you enough of what you wanted.
Posted at 01:35 am by jemtot